Monday, February 2, 2009

SOAPBOX!!!

Ahem. Thank you, minions. Can I have a spotlight too?

People. A great crime has come to my attention via the church mail which I now sort. And let me tell you, I have an opinion about Victory Church Products.
When *I* am Pope (what's the female version? Momma? anyway, what I mean is, when I'm Moderator)
THESE THINGS WILL BE OUTLAWED IF NOT OUTRIGHT EXCOMMUNICATED

take a close look

at just 16c apiece (in bulk that is), your church, too, could distribute communion in "individual sets."
You have to change the liturgy, though.
Instead of "my body broken for you" you should say:
This was the body of Christ, and it was broken, so we decided to break it more, add some chemical preservatives, wrap it in sanitary airtight plastic, and tape the wafer to the juice in a brightly colored, "unique" disposable packaging, strikingly similar to single-serve non-dairy creamer, but with an inspirational bible verse on top... Here it is! Christ's body, packaged FOR YOU! Don't confuse it with the testa-mints, those are for after church to get rid of Jesus' nasty aftertaste.

PEOPLE. Ανθρωποι! Honestly. Get your hands dirty. Use some real bread. Look people in the eye -- be their servant, not an element-dispenser. Take a risk. Share a cup, touch hands, expose yourself to their germs. When I'm pope I'll even give you a special indulgence (if you must) to excuse you for grumbling while you vacuum up the crumbs... as long as you USE BREAD!

communion, n.
Common participation in a shared experience. A sharing, especially on a mystical level, of thoughts or feelings. Union of disparate parts. Communal + Unity. Friendship / Fellowship / Connection.
Antonym: compartmentalization.
Polar opposite: "single serve."

4 comments:

  1. Amen. Let's not even think about the waste being created by this or my head will explode.

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  2. oh you need holy disposers to deal with this. very important.

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  3. catholics say "EEP!" about vacuuming up the crumbs. we are just extra careful not to leave any!

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  4. how do catholics feel about allowing dogs in the sanctuary? one did a nice clean up job last time.... heheheheheeeeeeeeee we are so irreverent =)

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