Part of this retreat, for me, is the game of figuring out where I fit. You see, for a while, I was pretty sure that while other things might work temporarily, ULTIMATELY the only vocation that would satisfy me was to be a contemplative nun. Which is, of course, a scary thought. So it is with a pretty decent-sized serving of joy that I can now say confidently that I think I’ll pass on that option.
I know most of you are not surprised at ALL, and that if someone were to invent a facebook quiz, “which nun in the Sound of Music are you?” you’d know my answer before I took the quiz… but after lunch today (Saturday) my toes agitatedly tapping away, I started to silently sing “How do you solve a problem like Talitha?”
We are to keep quiet at all times here, but to protect us from the awkwardness of listening to each other chew our lunch, we get recorded music during meals. And therein lay my downfall. This particular CD had moved me deeply and I wanted to belt out a harmony line, but there will be none of that, so I stifled the sound… but it had to come out somewhere, and my toes wriggled under the table. I took the occasion to clear the lunch dishes, for the sake of some movement… but the music kept getting better and better, and while dish-clearing in a rhythmic manner is slightly satisfying, the urge to sing was really growing into an urge to waltz and pirouette around the kitchen, and being as clumsy as I am, I knew that was a sure path to breaking silence. Anyway, I went to my tiny room, closed the door, and danced to the music in my head for a good half hour.
And thus I discovered that I’d really rather not contemplate the goodness of the Lord in silence all the time. It’s good to be sure about these things.